Regrets (I've had a few).

• Not taking GCSE art.
• Missing meeting Princess Di.
• That voicemail.
• Not paragliding on a family holiday to Turkey.
• Having pink highlights on my 18th birthday.
• Throwing tons of clothes away momments before they come back in fashion.
• Eating dog food thinking it was chocolate.
• Going to Tahiti on my gap year. Not backpacker-budget friendly.
• Not eating more of the steak frites on my wedding day.
• Not keeping a video of my star appearance on the Really Wild Show.
• Buying a minidisc player.
• Not sleeping with more people.
• Overstraighting my hair a uni. 
• Thinking Spice Girls inspired boots look good.
• Actually, most of my outfits in the 90's.
• Having that spliff on my 17th birthday.
• Frowning too much. 
• Not speaking to Robbie Williams when I saw him in the street.
• Losing one Nike hightop somewhere between philidelphia and washington.
• Not having told an ex-boss what I thought of him.
• Telling my sister she had had a brain transplant with an old person.
• Wasting an hour of my life at a Boyzone concert. I never even liked Boyzone.
• Black Sunday.
• Starting smoking. Not true. I bloody loved it.
• Not enjoying the 'hangover free years' more.
• Never getting into Shameless.
• That I didn't work in advertising in 60's or 80's.
• Some things that can not be printed.

(some of the) Worst Songs Ever

• Katrina and The Waves - Walking on Sunshine.
• Sheryl Crow - the one about the parking lot.
• Joss Stone
• I'm Blue.
• Macy grey
• Livin' La Vida Loca - even read/writing it makes Ricky Martins annoying hips/voice come to mind.
• I'm a believer
• Winner Takes it All - Abba.
• Anything by Meatloaf apart love on a dashboard light.
• "I'm so Dizzy, my head is spinning".
• My Heart Will Go On - Celine Dion.
• Chumbawamba.
• Shania Twain 'That Don't Impress me Much'. Neither does this song love.
• Manic Street Preachers
• Love Generation - Bob Sinclair. A 'Shit Compilation Album' favourite
• Lifted by Lighthouse Family
• Theme tune to Sharky and George.

Downsides of nice weather

• The tube being like a sauna.
• Having to go to work.
• Not owning a swimming pool.
• Having to look at peoples feet, including your own.
• Men thinking it's acceptable to drive topless.
• People using those annoying mini electronic fans.
• Not being able to wear grey.
• Not knowing whether haviannas are acceptable work wear or not.
• People wearing strapless dress with ill supporting bras.
• People wearing strapless dress with bras with clear straps.
• Realising you are too old to go in a paddling pool.
• Too hot in the car. Too tight to use air con.
• Desire to drink beer all the time.
• Ditto ice-cream. Thank god for minimilks.
• Post-shower sweats.
• Post-commute sweats.
• Post being-far-too-hot-and-not-being-able-to-sleep-at-night-sweats.
• Realising the ambitious bikini body' plans have failed.
• Having to be near other people.
• Feeling guilty about sitting inside watching TV.
• B.O.
• You just get acclimatised to all the above when its starts to rain....

Reasons I wouldn't mind being a man

• The ability to piss anywhere.
• Getting to use tools like sledgehammers.
• No pressure to buy presents or remember birthdays.
• The option to have a go a mate for being a dick, knowing it won't escalate.
• Carving. All the glory of the roast with none of the handwork.
• Wardrobe. Nice shirts, nice trousers, nice tshirts. So easy.
• No pmt. Mental hormones = excessive tears and eating? Not good.
• 20 quid hair cuts.
• Choice of summer jobs. Cutting the lawn, 'bit of labouring': someones always got something you can do.
• Receiving BJ's rather than giving them.
• Facial hair. Seems fun.
• Cooler sports wear. I like pink, doesn't mean I want it on all my gym kit.
• Size. No man ever fretted about whether they'll be able to squeeze into their 32 inch jeans.
• Toilet humor.
• Good bye conversation. Hello drinking games.
• Low maintenance. All you need for a weekend away is pants and a toothbrush and even they are optional.
• Lack of lists - no burdening sense of 'things I must do'.
• Betting. Nothing's too minor to deserve a bet.

Stuff that makes my skin crawl

• Anything furry: velvet, velour, suede.
• Cats  doing that pulsey-clawery thing.
• Biting into a wooden lolly sticks. Sometimes this catches you by surprise.
• Touching inside my belly button- weirds me out.
• Seaweed in the sea.
• Peach skin.
• Old dish cloths that smell of damp. 
• Chalk on a blackboard.
• Trying to think about the fact that the universe goes on forever.
• Drinking Styrofoam mugs.
• Dust on a duster. The dust seems to get lodged in the creases of your hand.
• Toilet brushes. A necessary evil, but the whole concept grosses me out. 
• The hand of the boy in my class who had warts. 
• Cows tongues. As rough as sandpaper.
• Rotten flower stalks that stink of raw shit. Gladioli are the worst offenders.
• The smell of Butchers. Too periody.
• Having an itch on the roof of my mouth.
• The thought of paper cuts between your fingers.
• Those troughs of water you're suppose to wash your feet in before going in a public pool. 
• Doing that stretch that involves bending your wrist right back.
• Hamsters, gerbils, mice. To sketchy.
• Taramasalata.

Brilliant Words

• Chicane.
• Soggy.
• Whimsical
• Wangle.
• Dreary.
• Tinker.
• Squander.
• Dabble.
• Babaganoush.
• Finickity.
• Cantankerous.
• Flip flop.
• Circumnavigate.
• Megalomaniac.
• Pilfer.
• Squabble.
• Pebble-dash.
• Smattering.
• Sycophant.
• Woozy.
• Flimsy.
• Raucous.
• Foolhardy
• Reticent.

Things Women should never wear

• Berets unless you are v beautiful or French.
• Full-length leggings under dresses.
• Cheap maxi dresses.
• Jumpers with blouses sewn in underneath.
• Football shirts. It doesn't look sexy in a FHM way, it looks cheap.
• Union jack bikinis.
• Velour tracksuits to travel in.
• Fake ugg boots.
• Fancy dress costumes to look sexy.
• White clothes on the plane back from Holiday. We can see your tan and your black thong.
• Anything by punkyfish.
• Any shoe made by sketchers.
• Braids. Tight white scalps are gross.
• Pillar box red hair after your 35th.
• Bunches or pigtails over the age of 16.
• Cheap Stetsons..
• Toe rings. 
• Nail design involving gems.
• Sunglasses when indoors.
• Pre-ripped jeans.
• Head to toe beige/camel ensemble (person opposite me on the tube).
• 'Fisherman’s pants’. Wearing them travelling is bad. Donning them at home is unacceptable.
• Anything that gives you camel toe.
• Bras with see-through straps. Pointless.

You know you are an adult when...

• You have a husband.
• You couldn't name any tracks in the top 10.
• You wouldn't go to oxford street on a Saturday for all the money in the world. Ok, for 100 quid I would.
• A 10 hour sleep fills me joy.
• You put olives out when having people over for drinks.
• You check your bank balance rather than dread potential rejection.
• A handful of your clothes are beginning to 'come back round'.
• Scented candles excite you.
• You have uttered the words 'what kind of mortgage deal?'.
• You can appreciate the beauty of nature without having had a spliff.
• Most Olympians are younger than you.
• You would be in the 'overs' category of X-factor.
• You 'research' holiday destinations.
• You are a member of a book club. And you actually talk about the book.
• You say 'warehouse party' with the same tone / inflection that your granny says 'disco'. 
• Friends getting pregnant is exciting not shocking.
• You haven't eaten from a kebab shop in over a year. 

Evil desires I have to suppress

• Bite babies feet. 
• Kick small dogs like rugby balls.
• Crush all sandcastles.
• Fart in quiet place.
• Shout swear words in church.
• Scribble on any kind of timing plan.
• Fart in lifts and/or tubes before exiting.
• Stamp on the toes of anyone wearing new, white trainers.
• Give people the wrong directions on purpose.
• Steal chocolates out of advent calendars, then reseal them.
• Spit on people from the top of stairs or out of windows.
• Pull excessively long hair. Older than 10? Hair beyond your elbows is unacceptable.
• Make my granny's 'speaking computer for the blind' say sex words. 
• Hide meat in vegetarian meals.

Things Men should never wear

• Dungarees.
• Football shirts when not at/ playing football.
• Bandannas
• Running trainers when not running.
• Big knots in their tie.
• Excessively pointy shoes.
• Timberland boots.
• Those 'handy' trousers that unzip at the calf to become shorts.
• Glasses unless required to enable vision.
• Skiing hats that make you look as if you've got 'crazy' hair.
• Jumpers slung round shoulders.
• Jeans in an unusual wash.
• Jeans that have been manufactured to appear distressed.
• Anything with paint splashes on, except if performing DIY.
• Any kind of bling.
• Comedy dress shirts.
• Comedy ties.
• Ski/snowboarding pants when it snows in London. Wearing them on your commute to your dull job does not impress me.
• Suits with wide shoulders.
• Thumb rings. I loved in the 90's, now they repulse me.
• Chinese symbol tattoos.
• Tshirts with Disney characters on.
• Beads of any description. Too 'gap ya'.
• Those bodybalance bands.
• Belts that look like they come belong to air stewards/ come free with an out fit.
• Shirts that have a tshirt sewn in underneath.
• Sandals. Flip flops yes, sandals no.
• Ironic slogan tshirts. The irony is you look like a twat.
• Neat/long nails. Creepy. 
• Crocs.
• Uggs.
• Fleeces.

Biggest childhood disappointments:

• Failing to invent anything.
• Realising I'd never have blue eyes.
• Never owning hungry hippos
• Never owning a mr frosty
• Never owning a bluebird kitchen.
• Not snogging Jason donovan.
• Not marrying Robbie Williams.
• Realising that I couldn't sing.
• Not visiting the cadbury factory.
• Being incapable of doing a  handstand or cartwheel.
• Losing my spending money on a school trip. A teacher bought me a rubber out of sympathy, I wanted one of those money pots on string.
• Missing meeting princess Diana because I had flu.
• Never having to wear a brace.
• Breaking my fingers during a game of mercy but still not getting a plaster cast.
• Never having LA Gears, jelly shoes or a shell suit.  My best mate had all 3. Jealous.
• No soda stream. 
• Realising Nutella doesn't taste as good at home as it does on holiday.
• Having feet too wide for Magic Step shoes
• Realising that Kylie and Jason weren't actually in love with eachother.
• Discovering mermaids don't exist even though I'm sure I saw one off the coast of devon.

Food that kicks other foods arse

• Cashews beat pistachios.
• Mini pork pies beat miniscotch eggs.
• Wotsits beat mini cheddars.
• Almond Magnums beat original or white ones.
• Hummus beats olives.
• Ketchup beats brown sauce.
• Bolognese beats carbonara.
• Pringles beat Kettle Chips. Not the middle class / fashionable choice. 
• English beats whole grain (this appears to be a cyclical thing, come Christmas it'll be wholegrain again).
• Poached beats scrambled. 
• Bacon bap beats sausage bap.
• Cream (pouring not whipped) beats custard.
• Chipstixs beat Frazzles. Just.
• Horseradish beats all condiments. 
• Ditto Parma Ham with cold meats. 
• Yorkshire puddings beat stuffing.

Worst Words in the World.

• Moist. 
• Discharge. 
• Clot. 
• Clunge. 
• Gusset. 
• Plimsolls. 
• Pamphlet. 
• Grundle. 
• Gash. 
• Soil.  
• Elixir (what my husband calls orange squash when hungover). 
• Fallopian. 
• Maroon. 
• Panties.
• Chunder. 
• Dank. 
• Oregano (said in an American accent).
• Daggy.
• Mullered. 
• Fungal. 
• Yeast.
• Probe. 
• Sodden.
• Throb. 

F. Scott you were crucial to this list, so thank you.

Faces I can't stand...

• Janet Street Porter. Multiplied by 100 once she opens her mouth.
• Lee Evans.
• The 'friend of a friend' who is one of those girls who makes girls feel bad for being girls.
• The presenter from Embarrassing Bodies with a plastic face.
• Nicolas Cage. 
• Nicole kidman. The most over rated.
• 3 people at work.
• All of the new BGT panel.
• Kerry Katona, especially post make-over.
• All pugs.
• Anyone with those beauty spot piercings.
• Katie Weasel.
• Kiera Knightly. Jaw heavy.
• Chris Akabusi. Especially when doing his trademark 'awoga'.
• Postman Pat.
• Noel Edmonds.
• Moon-face herself: the one who sung murder on the dance floor.  
• Carol Voderman. Smug.
• Richard Hammond (post accident).
• Fearne Cotton she knows, we know, she's not nearly as good as she is pretending she is.
• Pugwall. Front man of the Orange Organics.

Unusual places I've slept...

• Under a cake table.
• On a sunlounger waiting for friends to come home from a night out.
• On a canal boat.
• In a telephone box.
• In a bed with 4 other people.
• On a 20ft by 20ft island in the Caribbean sea.
• In a fancy villa belonging to some drug barons on Isla Bonita. Very unwise.
• In a horse box.
• In my car, dressed as Liz Hurley.
• In the bath (without water in).
• On the bathroom floor. Too many times.
• On the top bunk of a sleeper train to France, only to fall off in the middle of the night.

Places my sister has slept. They deserve a mention:

• In a queue for a club.
• On a party bus in Cancun during springbreak.
• In a marquee. She not only snoozed through the party, but through all the clearing up the next day too.
• In a sunbed in a friends parents bedroom, having sleepwalked her way in there.

Thank you Lucy Murray for suggesting today's topic.

Smells I love, smells I hate...

• Love: cut grass.
• Hate: cigarettes smoke in the rain.
• Love: melted tarmac. Reminds me of endless school holidays.
• Hate: plastic bags.
• Love: clothes baked on a washing line.
• Hate: the butchers. 
• Love: cigarette breath with top notes of chewing gum.
• Hate: mens changing rooms/boys bedrooms. Too much testosterone.
• Love: Ck one/ Tommy. Pure teenage lust. 
• Hate: the armpit of the man standing too close to me on the tube.
• Love: newspaper ink and coffee - lazy weekend mornings.
• Love: tubes of tennis balls. 
• Hate: liver and bacon frying. 
• Love: the aroma of your own farts. Gross but true.
• Love: horse manure. 
• Hate: kebab shop on your clothes the morning after. 
• Love: marker pen.
• Hate: the set of shapes at primary school that stunk of pure cheese.
• Love: suncream. 
• Love: Rain. 
• Love: smell of a successful list (artistic license applied here). Thanks NJD for the suggestion. Any more welcome? 

My worst habits (part 1)

• Greed.
• Ruining shoes.
• Inflexiibilty with plans.
• Not putting lids on things properly.
• Eavesdropping.
• Drinking/eating too fast.
• Chewing gum for too long.
• Rushing.
• Turning everything into a race (with myself) i.e how quickly can I get dressed.
• Drinking salad dressing.
• Picking scabs.
• Over checking social media.
• Laughing in awkward situation.
• Having a loud voice that is always the last one left talking.
• Suddenly deciding I need to leave a night out: cinderella effect.
• Always managing to accidently break other peoples belongings when borrowing them.
• Picking the cheese off lasagna /shepherds pie.
• Banging on about tea.
• Bossiness. The fatal flaw of an eldest child. 
• Not drying properly before getting out of the shower. 
• Having a face that shows exactly what I thinking.
• Frowning when I am concentrating. Reading on holiday = frown tan lines.

People I'd like to be:

• Rizzo
• Early Kylie as Charlene.
• Early Kylie as Kylie - I'd have given anything to join the locomotion.
• Anyone doing the communal bowing bit at the end of theatre.
• Anyone at the end of the marathon.
• Joany in madmen.
• Betty in madmen.  
• My husband - he has an incredible ability not to worry about anything, ever.
• Susan Kennedy - I heart Dr Carl.
• Wilykit.
• The Von Trapp kids (for the singing not the war/Nazi bit).
• The kid in Honey I Shrunk the Kids who gets to eat the giant cookie/ride and ant/sleep in a lego brick .
• Anyone with a genuinely fast metabolism.
• The girl opposite me with incredibly perfect eyebrows.

Fun things to do in the sun

• Eat picnics-  (especially since discovering quorn scotch eggs, scotch eggs but less dirty).
• Talk about moving abroad.
• Swim, sweat, swim.
• Dig a deep hole at the beach.
• Have a water fight. Not with boys because they carry it on too long.
• Eat a calippo-look forward to the puddly bit at the bottom.
• Not play that clappy rugby ball game that once bust my nose.
• Anything involving pimms.
• Only walk on the sunny side.
• Discover a new album.
• Avoid wearing grey.
• Avoid boob sweat patches.
• Put off going to the loo for as long as possible when on a beach or park.
• End up playing rounders with boobs flying everywhere because of ineffective support offered by bikini top/ strapless bra.
• Pretend to run away (my 10 year old self).
• Stay out till you get chilly.
• Have lunch that runs into dinner.
• Develop incredibly dry feet. They don't call me 'Gandhi Feet' for nothin'.

Amusing Tube Behaviour

• Waiting till someones out of sight  before picking up their discarded paper. 
• Pressing the open button repeatedly to encourage it to work.
• Jogging at the bottom of the escalator 'just in case' the tube is there.
• Seat smugness.
• 'Microshuffling'. Moving 3mm down the carriage makes no difference.
• Hating someone with all your soul because they're nudging with a backpack/ flapping a paper in your face.
• 'Commute companions'. People you see everyday that you invent an entire imagined life for.
• Extreme panic on thinking you've passed your stop. 
• The Not So Cool Now Kid. Full of attitude, but oblivious to the fact we can hear the power ballad he's listening to.
• The Houdini - taking you coat off whist sardined against other people. 
• The inability to stop watching someone putting their makeup on.
• Escalator spin-out.  You step on knowing it isn't working, your brain doesn't believe you.