Sometime, about a year ago, I suddenly started hating the tube. 2 minutes at a signal and I am freaking out.

To take my mind off things I begun writing lists, each inspired by my journey on the underground.

Friday, 23 March 2012

You know you're drunk when you...

  • You invite people to 'come in for a wee with you'.
  • Befriend the toilet assistant all night. Then eventually pay £2 for a scabby old lollipop.
  • Want to eat only fat and carbs. Chips and cheese. Toast and cheese. Chips on toast with cheese?
  • Wake-up with a sense of self loathing  (You tell yourself its just the hangover paranoia. It tells you 'no, you were a twat last night').
  • Think ringing someone 12 times makes them more likely to pick up.
  • Leave your clothes in random place. Hello towel rail. You make a marvellous coat rack.
  • Fall over. 
  • Don't remember falling over, but the bruises on your body suggest you did.
  • NEED to listen to Magic on the journey home.
  • You smoke, even though ordinarily you detest it.
  • Tell yourself 'honesty is the best policy'. When talking to your boss.
  • Take up a bit of amateur Parkour. Jumping on stuff, swing round things, climb over stuff. Then wonder why you ache the next day.
  • Jaegers make sense.
  • Appreciate the coldness of the bathroom floor.
  • Have to text with one eye shut.
  • Confuse getting your bum/tits/mangina out with an impressive party trick.
  • Decide walking barefoot on disease ridden, piss covered pavements is better than wearing shoes.
  • Find yourself in fits of hysterics in otherwise boring locations, particularly the local shop.
  • Cleaning your teeth is hard work.
  • You wake up wearing shoes.
  • Use random objects as clothes. Straw microphone? No thanks, I'll have this bottle-top monocle instead.
  • Start dancing like you're on Big Fat Gypsy Wedding.

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