You know you're drunk when you...

• You invite people to 'come in for a wee with you'.
• Befriend the toilet assistant all night. Then eventually pay £2 for a scabby old lollipop.
• Want to eat only fat and carbs. Chips and cheese. Toast and cheese. Chips on toast with cheese?
• Wake-up with a sense of self loathing  (You tell yourself its just the hangover paranoia. It tells you 'no, you were a twat last night').
• Think ringing someone 12 times makes them more likely to pick up.
• Leave your clothes in random place. Hello towel rail. You make a marvellous coat rack.
• Fall over. 
• Don't remember falling over, but the bruises on your body suggest you did.
• NEED to listen to Magic on the journey home.
• You smoke, even though ordinarily you detest it.
• Tell yourself 'honesty is the best policy'. When talking to your boss.
• Take up a bit of amateur Parkour. Jumping on stuff, swing round things, climb over stuff. Then wonder why you ache the next day.
• Jaegers make sense.
• Appreciate the coldness of the bathroom floor.
• Have to text with one eye shut.
• Confuse getting your bum/tits/mangina out with an impressive party trick.
• Decide walking barefoot on disease ridden, piss covered pavements is better than wearing shoes.
• Find yourself in fits of hysterics in otherwise boring locations, particularly the local shop.
• Cleaning your teeth is hard work.
• You wake up wearing shoes.
• Use random objects as clothes. Straw microphone? No thanks, I'll have this bottle-top monocle instead.
• Start dancing like you're on Big Fat Gypsy Wedding.